I miss my band.

Hello to all in bloggerland. Today is my weekly weigh in day, but I forgot to weigh myself before my two cups of tea, two glasses of water and three weetbix with peaches this morning, so of course my weigh in must be out by at least 2 kgs...

You know that is another thing about being banded that I forgot about. You play way less mind games with yourself about when to weigh, what time of day to weigh, and the amount of clothing you have on at the time. At least that is what I am like while I am not banded and eating like a bear before hibernation.

I miss my band. Sigh...

But, having said that, I am really enjoying breastfeeding, and I am certainly NOT losing sight of why I my band is undone right now and all the reasons for keeping it undone while I am breastfeeding. I just can’t help but keep reassuring myself that it will be done back up again within six months.

Mind you, I have no idea how much damage I am going to do to the scales while I am unbanded. I am like a woman possessed, all the old habits have come straight back into my diet. Carbonated drinks, drinking with my meals, large portion sizes, bread, pastry, ice cream every night. OMG, what is wrong with me?

You know, while my band was done up, I hardly ever wasted much time thinking about where my next meal was coming from, and what it was going to be, but now, again, I am planning each weeks meals with delight, seemingly packing in as many calories as possible!!! Again, when my band was done up, I hardly ever FELT hungry, only eating to be social or at meal times. I actually forgot what it feels like to have hunger pains. Since my unbanding, I have taken buscapan a couple of times thinking I had an upset stomach, when in fact, it was simple old hunger pains.

But the real kicker? Not feeling full after eating. When my band was in place, I would eat my pigeon sized portion with delight, savouring each bite, then feel satiated for the remainder of the night. Eating anything else simply made me feel bloated, or even worse, was painful, so of course, I didn’t eat anything else.

Now, I have gone right back to my old eating habits. Huge serving sizes for dinner, then about 30 minutes after, looking in the fridge, freezer or pantry for something sweet, then about an hour after that, looking for something crunchy or savoury to snack on while watching tv.

Sound familiar?

If you are considering having lapband surgery, and you eat like I have described in this entry, then it will work for you! Just like it worked for me while it was in place.

I can’t wait to have mine back!

I'm still here.

Well hello lap band land friends…I have been busy busy busy. My lovely little bundle of joy is now 8 weeks old…yippee!!! Some how, life seems to spin back onto a nearly normal axis from around now. Up until this stage, all we seem to be doing is managing fatigue. Don’t you agree? Right about now though, we start to get larger blocks of sleep, Kitty is going down around 8ish now and waking up at 2ish, then 6ish, so you can see, my sleep quota has increased significantly in just the past week! Hallelujah!

So, on to banding news, even though mine is undone! I am really feeling it ladies. Piggyness that is. I cannot believe how much food I am managing to eat right now. It really brings home to me quite plainly, how I ended up in the state I did. OMG…I love food. Or maybe I just love eating, who really knows? And right now, I can fit it in. so of course, I am eating and eating and eating. Luckily, the scales are not being too bad…yet! I have managed to put on around 3kgs since having the band undone. I am serious when I tell you that as soon as I have decided to finish breastfeeding, I am having the surgery done that week. Seriously.

Onto brighter news, you know there is never a dull moment in my life, and if there is, for heaven’s sake I must do something about it…well, I have done something this week that will stimulate my mind for at least another three years. [As if I need more stimulation than a newborn can provide, but you know what I mean]

I have applied for a university placement in Griffith Universities Midwifery program. If I successfully gain a place, I will start on February 1st next year. WooHoo. I will, of course, keep you posted. I am so very excited at the prospect of participating, and successfully completing this degree. I cannot imagine a more fulfilling career [for me] than midwifery. One of the main reasons I have not done it so far in my life, is that up until now, in my home town, to become a midwife, I would have had to have done a three year nursing degree followed up be an eighteen month midwifery degree. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I appreciate and respect the hard work and dedication needed to become a nurse, but I was never interested in the “being sick” side of nursing.

I am passionate about ante and postnatal care being a natural part of women’s lives, and not being “treated” as an illness or sickness. Know what I mean? So, when I found out that Griffith is starting a dedicated midwifery degree next year, I was on the phone straight away. It turns out that their program is internal on the Logan campus, but due to the structure of the courses, if I secure my own clinical placement in my own home town [Rockhampton], and I meet the program criteria [shouldn’t be a problem] then I am able to participate.

I am so very excited about this, you cannot imagine. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for many years, so to actually be in a position now to achieve this goal is a wonderful thing. I will keep you updated, of course.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. To tell you the truth, I am so far behind in reading everyone’s blogs, I have no idea how you all are…but I am set to change that this week. Now that I am getting a decent amount of sleep every night, I should be right to spend some time on the PC catching up! I look forward to reading your most recent posts this week.

We had some professional photo's taken a couple of weeks ago, here is a sample of them.

Neglected Blog owner sighted...

My blog is neglected! And the reason for this neglect I hear you ask me… I have to tell you the truth…I am totally besotted!!! With Kitty that is…lol. I get lost for minutes on end, just looking into her eyes. And don’t even talk about when she smiles and goos back at me! We could be looking at an hour going MIA then. Oh, I am enjoying this ride so much, I feel so lucky to have been given another opportunity to experience the fulfilment of motherhood at this stage of my life.

My weight seems stable at 80kgs, for now anyway. I really don’t understand how that can be, because, as I have mentioned before…I am eating like a trucker! That has not changed. I have two breakfasts, lunch, two dinners, and snacks throughout the day to fill in the gaps. When I don’t have food in my mouth, I have a glass of water or a cup of tea in my hand, or I am asleep. Fact! Oh well, we will see where this behaviour takes me, and then adjust accordingly later on. I am NOT going to jeopardise the wonderful Breastfeeding routine we have going on right now.

Attached are some photos I snapped yesterday while Kitty was playing on her mat. What a smile!

My friend that was lap banded is doing really well, she has lost 6.7kgs now in a couple of weeks, the most she has lost on any weight plan/program for years. But we knew it would work, didn't we? I am so happy for her.

Monday's weigh in and an eating update.

All is well in my neck of the woods. I am eating a LOT of food, but my body is using it up apparently…so I am not too upset. I will just have to ensure that I schedule my rebanding surgery for the week I am planning of finishing breast feeding, because truthfully, if I continue to eat like this while I am not breastfeeding, I reckon I would be over 100kgs within weeks! I am really putting it away girls…I guess I am comparing it to what I have been eating for the past 10 months, and that wasn’t much, but still…

Life is good, Kitty is a wonderfully content baby, and sleeps for around 18 – 19 hours a day all up, so I am very well rested and really enjoying the awake times I have with her. She loves her bath time and I relish that every night. She smiled for the first time on Saturday; it literally brought tears to my eyes. Hormonal much? Kitty is feeding really well, I only have slight pain in my left breast from her not attaching to this side efficiently, but that is getting better every day.

All my war wounds are healing up, my Caesar cut is still a bit iffy, but I am due to see the OB Monday, and I am sure that he will put my mind at ease. It is definitely not infected, just not completely closed yet. My laparoscopic cuts from lap band surgery are all closed up and look like they have been there for months! No pain, totally fine. So yay!

A friend of mine is scheduled for banding tomorrow; I am so excited for her. She has struggled with her weight as long as me, but she has some SERIOUS co-morbidities, especially her knees. She has had several major surgeries on her knees trying to alleviate the excruciating pain that she endures, but even after all of that, she ended up on the drugs they give cancer sufferers, that is how much pain she lives with! I admire her so much for just getting through each day. Anyway, she doesn’t do surgery really well, particularly the anaesthetic side of things, so that has been the major deterrent in her NOT getting banded. But her symptoms have escalated to the point now, where the trade off is worth it. I am so excited for her. I will let you know how her surgery goes later on this week.

Weight wise, I have gone back into the seventies, thank heavens!!! So hopefully I will hold around 79 – 81 for as long as I can.

Eating wise, well as I mentioned above, if it isn’t screwed down, it is fair game…

I have the appetite of a truckie!

Well, obviously my stomach sensitivity has settled down from the surgery now…I am perpetually hungry! If you are banded, and like me, you sometimes doubt the effectiveness of the band, DON’T!!! If nothing else, it keeps the hunger pains at bay. I am eating a huge amount of food right now. Seriously, I see why I was morbidly obese! I am giving myself until Monday [dieters deadline…lol] then I am going on a diet! A sensible one of course, due to me breastfeeding and all, but a diet just the same.

And if there was ever any doubt about me going back in for more surgery to get the band done up again…that doubt has evaporated. That band will be scheduled to be done up about one day after I stop breastfeeding. OMG…I am such a pig!!!

It will break my heart [and maybe a large part of my morale] to slowly [or quickly for that matter] put back on the majority of the weight I have lost. My daughter took a quick couple of shots of me with Kitty yesterday….attached for your viewing pleasure.

And when I looked at them, I thought, Tracey, you look fantastic!!! At the time, I had some sao’s with vegemite and butter on them in front of me, to be quickly followed by a tub of yoghurt, a cup of tea and two scotch finger biscuits. I kid you not. I was admiring a lovely photo of myself, while gorging down a tonne of food. What the hell???

Anyway, I must report that I am in tiptop shape, no pain, no baby blues, I feel great. Why wouldn’t I, I am eating enough food to sink the titanic! Baby Kitty is absolutely gorgeous and a genuine pleasure to have in the house, she is giving me such joy and I am so grateful to have been given this unexpected gift of another child at this stage in my life.

Until next time, lock up your fridge in case I come around…

An update from the woman who can eat!

Well…what a novel thing it is to eat! I thought I would type up a quick update. First of all, I should be a little bit more specific about the “unbanded” term I used in my last post. Technically, I am still banded. It is still in a circle around my stomach. It is just unlocked, so it is loose. It turns out that I probably will not need to have it done back up again, as the adhesions [scar tissue] that formed around my stomach, under the band, have created a natural “band”. So, even though my band is unlocked, unloaded and just floating around, I have natural restriction. I still have suppressed appetite, I can still only eat about a cup of food in one sitting, and I still have to chew every single bite really really well. I am pretty happy with that!

But, let me tell you, I was a bit frightened the first few times I ate and still had the above effects. I was a bit confused, because the surgeon told me that the band would be really loose and have little to no affect on my stomach. Then I remembered that she told me that before she went inside and saw the scar tissue, those comments were made when she thought she was going in to fix a slipped band and a hiatus hernia. So, the first few times I ate, I was soooo scared that the surgery hadn’t worked and that I would have to go under again, I was in a mild state of panic. All under control now!!!

My eating is going well, I am eating from all the desired food groups, as well as taking a daily elevit, which is a prenatal and lactating vitamin. I am drinking a lot of fluids as well. All my surgery wounds are healing up nicely.

Here is a photo of Kitty from this morning. She is in training to become superwoman by the looks of this!!!

Unbanded!!! Here's what happened.

Well, as mentioned in my last post, my restriction returned with a vengeance once my milk started to come in. I assumed it was the hormones required to produce the breast milk that had caused this. And it just got tighter and tighter over the next few days. To the point where last Thursday, I could not eat solids, nor even semi-solids. I was on clear fluids only. This, of course was stressing me out, as I am breastfeeding and it means the world to me to continue doing so, and I recognise that to do this successfully, I need to not only maintain a nutricius diet, but I need to be able to eat!

Friday morning I woke up and had a glass of water straight away, as I try to have a glass every time I think of it, and every time I put the baby to the breast. To help maintain my milk. Anyway, for the first time since I was banded, WATER got stuck. Not only stuck, but it came up like projectile vomiting. I was shit scared!!! As the day wore on, the restriction allowed me to go back to my clear fluids. I just kept telling myself that as soon as my body was in a breastfeeding routine, my stomach would settle down.

Remember of course, that I have NO FILL in my band, and have not had any fill since January, I only ever had one fill, in mid December, of 3mils, and I had it removed as soon as my pregnancy was confirmed as I was not eating solids due to over restriction. I have now lost 31kgs, with no fill in my band. That should have been a sign I guess.

Anyway, Saturday was much the same as Friday, nothing down until lunch time, then only clear fluids. Sunday, the situation escalated. I might add here, that I had already decided that I was seeing my surgeon on Monday, just to be safe, but I really thought it would settle down. Sunday, Fred and I were off to the wedding of very good friend of mine’s daughter. It was about an hour and a half away, and it started at 2.30pm. We left home at 12.30, and I had not eaten. We only just made the ceremony, so I was feeling hungry, tired, stressed and worried. Not a good combination. I developed a really bad headache and went back to the brides room while they were having their photo’s taken, to rest. While there, I tried to drink some water. It would NOT go down. This was around 4pm by now, and the last thing I had drank was around 9pm the night before. The last food I had eaten was soup at around 7pm the night before. We stayed at the wedding until around 8.30pm, I did eventually manage to get some water down, and gave hot chocolate a go around 7pm, which thank goodness, stayed down.

First thing Monday morning, I phoned the surgeon, she was wonderful. She told me to come up to the hospital as soon as possible. A barium swallow x-ray was booked for me. So, straight up I went, I had the barium swallow, and you are not going to believe this, but it went down. I started to think that I have head issues, seriously. I went back out into the waiting room, and of course, due to the barium going down, had some water. No go!!! The only way was up for that water, and so it came up. Due to the amount of vomiting I had been doing because of the tight restriction, my ceasar wound had not closed properly yet, and after I had vomited a couple of times in any given day, I would have a large amount of discharge from the wound. This of course was also frightening and distressing.

As soon as my surgeon received the results of the x-ray, she met me in the waiting room. Took one look at me, went to the nurses station and admitted me. She ordered an immediate IV. Once that was done, she said that the barium swallow revealed no problems, the band was in the correct place, the barium whilst slow, did go down. But having seen me, and recognising how gaunt and washed out I was, she knew something was seriously wrong. She was in surgery that day, and visited me in between operations, what a wonderful human being she is! Anyway, once I was admitted, and hooked up to an IV, she came in to see me to discuss our plan of attack. She order a CT Scan and blood work. She was thinking that due to my recent operation [Caesarean], I may have an infected band and the CT scan would help show up signs of this, and the blood work would confirm it.

I went off for the CT scan, shit scared of course, my number one priority at this stage was still being able to breastfeed, and I was so worried that my milk was drying up. [it has a bit, but I am building it back up now]. The CT results came back so quickly, it was wonderful service. Surprise, surprise, the CT scan showed a slipped band and a hiatus hernia that did not show up with the barium swallow. Thank goodness, I was not imagining things. And thank goodness my surgeon is so thorough!!!

The plan of action then was to go into surgery and either reposition the band, or undo the band, it was my choice. I had already decided that I wanted it undone, with my goal to continue to breastfeed for 8 – 12months. So I told my surgeon this, and she supported me 100%. That night was shocking. The surgery was scheduled for first thing this morning, but I had to get through last night first. OMG!!! I could not swallow saliva! It would build up in my oesophagus, and then I would need to vomit it up. Then my ceasar wound would discharge. My milk was drying up, so the baby was not sleeping, I was feeding her every 30 – 40 minutes trying to maintain what supply I did have. All up, it was probably one of the worst nights of my life. Anyway, we get through, don’t we? And so I was prepped for surgery this morning, having had around 2 hours sleep all night. I didn’t care, I was just so looking forward to the surgery being over and nursing my little girl again.

The surgery took a bit longer than expected, due to what she found when she got in there. I had a lot of scar tissue under the band, that had probably been there since the beginning. Hence my tight restriction all along. So, she cut away as much of the scar tissue as she could, then undid my band. I was in recovery after about an hour and a half of surgery, then back in my room an hour after that. I had to pump and dump my first breast feed, due to the drugs of a general anaesthetic, so Fred gave her a formula bottle for that feed, but I had her on the breast at the first opportunity after that. She has been sleeping well all afternoon, and only after feeds at 2 – 3 hour intervals, so hopefully, I am not too far behind the eight ball in getting my milk supply back. Tonight will be the test of course, I will see how often she needs to be fed tonight.

The hospital were great, they let her stay with me, and they also discharged me soooo early. I was so happy and relieved to come home this afternoon. Everything seems so much better as soon as you are home, doesn’t it?

OK, the plan for the future. I DO NOT want to put back on all the weight I have lost, of course, so I am going to keep myself on the straight and narrow by weighing weekly and putting my weights up on the blog. Hopefully, being accountable to this commitment will keep me honest. I will be ok with some weight gain, I guess up to around 8 kgs will be acceptable, due to a [hopefully] healthy breastfeeding diet, but I won’t accept anything more than that. As soon as I am able to, I am going to start moving more on a regular basis and hopefully that will help too.

My stomach looks like a dartboard with a smiley face cut into it. If you can imagine the Caesar wound as the smile…lol. Four more wounds today, but god, it feels so good to eat again. And that would have to be the understatement of the year…